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I guess it’s been a while since I last typed a post. I haven’t really posted in weeks because I’ve been sick. I’ve just been queuing stuff so that the blog doesn’t feel like it’s been abandoned and left for dead. For the new followers that I have and don’t really know what’s been going on with me, I’ve been ill for a long time now. No, I don’t have cancer, a virus, Ebola or anything like that. I’ve been mentally unwell for a really long time now.
For those who have followed me for a while now, I guess that you know I
self-harm. Or at least I used to self-harm at irregular intervals. And that I slept way too much to be healthy. I haven’t been okay in a long time, even if I’ve tried to convince myself that I am. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been able to for a long time now. I feel like I’m continually swimming in a never-ending sea of darkness, with no goal or destination in sight. All I know is to swim, to keeping swimming and swimming, because it’s all I’ve ever been capable of. I tried to drown myself, tried really hard, but it didn’t work. So all I can do is swim.
I don’t really know what else to do. Typing this out makes me gain just that little bit of strength to swim a bit more, last a little longer in this cold sea.
Nobody really knew that I cut. Not in a long time. But it’s hard to hide the cuts on your arms when you’re wearing a singlet during exercises, especially if you have at least 50 on each arm. People in camp found out, and I was sent to the medical center to see the medical officer. He could tell I wasn’t in good shape. We talked for a while, and at the end, he didn’t tell me much but I found out later that his initial impression of me was that I had MDD. He just said I needed to pack my stuff because I was going to be sent to the hospital for diagnosis by a psychiatrist, and that he hoped I would cooperate with the efforts to help.
The psychiatrist and I talked for about 2 hours. We talked about a lot of things, such as my cutting, my suicidal tendencies, and my feelings. He didn’t tell me what his diagnosis was, but he did tell me to have a good rest and gave me a sealed envelope to hand over to the medical officer the next day and that he felt that I didn’t need medication for the moment.
The next day, I had a thorough talk with the officer. He broke it to me slowly that they saw me as having Cluster B, Axis II traits. But I honestly felt that he just didn’t want to tell me I was suffering from a borderline personality disorder, in light of my mental state. He gave me a long rest at home, and told me to relax and try not to think too much. I ended sleeping most of my days through, some days missing a meal or two. It wasn’t really a good time, but I made it through.
Going back for a follow-up, I was given several appointments. Follow-ups with the psychiatrist, visits to the counsellor and appointments with a psychologist. I didn’t feel all that good about having to see so many people but it wasn’t really a choice. I had to get better. It wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t good.
I’ve seen my counsellor quite a few times now and just had my first visit to my psychologist last week and I’ll be undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy as he feels it is most suited to my situation. He told me that my problems are interwoven and related, and each one leads to the other which has resulted in me almost disintegrating under the pressure. My social anxiety doesn’t help it at all.
It doesn’t help that I have physiotherapy sessions for my knee as well, because I feel so useless with this many problems right now in my life.
It’s going to take a while I guess. I hope I can get better in time.
why are you living?
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